Slacker, Thy Name Is Trannyhead

I have a confession. I've become the worst blogger ever. Not only have I failed to update my own blog, but I've failed to read other people's blogs.

I don't know why, but I've been busier than ever despite the fact that my kid is in preschool two mornings a week and I'm not working right now. I've been running around like a madwoman schlepping to OB appointments, preparing for our vacation next week to Disney World, and browsing baby stores (to buy the MOADS, or mother of all double strollers ... you guys will die when I post a photo of this thing). Hopefully I'll be back with more blogging soon.

Anyway, things are crazy. Why am I trying to get ready for this baby so soon? Well ... while I may only be 30 weeks pregnant, I'm apparently measuring 3.5 weeks ahead of that. And no, the due date isn't wrong. And no, I don't have gestational diabetes. I have feet under my right ribs. I'm birthing a child who makes the Sumo look like a frail. I'm not making it to December 15, that's for damn sure. Helloooooo C-Section.

*ahem*

Despite all the insanity, I have managed to haul my pumpkin-like body around enough to let my kid partake in some fall festivities. We went to the pumpkin patch and Sumo took part in a variety of fall activities, including a corn maze, hay ride, and super slide. Hawt, right?

Behold!


Happy fall, biotches.

Top 10 Ways You Know You're Pregnant With a Toddler at Home

1. You spend a significant portion of your day protecting your bulging abdomen from overly enthusiastic hugs from your toddler.

2. You are awakened in the morning by both internal and external kicks; one to the bladder, one to the spleen. You aren't sure which is worse.

3. You plan to spend your birthday morning going to an OB appointment because that's when your toddler is in preschool and you're ok with spending your birthday learning exactly how fat you've become.

4. You hear the phrase "Mommy's belly is round" and aren't offended, especially when it's accompanied by a kiss on the belly by a person who is 3 feet and one inch tall.

5. You spend a good portion of your day on the floor playing despite the fact that it's uncomfortable due to the varicose veins sprouting in your leg. Moreover, when you try to get off the floor, you look like an upside-down turtle.

6. You are advised to help avoid swelling and exacerbation of the aforementioned varicose veins by sitting with your feet elevated, and you laugh when you hear this advice. Maniacally.

7. You also laugh when you see people clearly pregnant with their first child who act all entitled as though they're the first woman ever to become pregnant. You try to convince yourself you never acted that lame when you were pregnant the first time. You hope it's true.

8. You routinely lift a 40 lbs person throughout the day despite the pregnancy and don't even think twice about doing so.

9. Men don't check you out and you're happy about it. (Exception: men with pregnancy fetishes. Eww.)

10. When you run out of prenantal vitamins, you happily take two gummy Flinstones instead.

He's Not Perfect

I know my kid isn't perfect. No kid is. They all have their moments.

Sumo has one behavioral issue and it stems from his .... Sumoness. How do I describe it? It comes from his joie de vive. His enthusiasm and excitement. His social butterfly sensibilities. All of those things that make him who he is and make him so (in my Mommy opinion) spectacular.

What's the issue? He is too rough with other kids. Sure, when they're 2, they all occasionally hit or push or grab toys or whatever. But Sumo doesn't really do those things. No, his issue is tougher. He hugs other children and frequently gets so excited to see other kids that he tackles them to the ground. He grabs them in euphoria. He thinks they are ALL playing with him all the time, and doesn't understand why they start crying when he has thrown them to the ground. He always says "sorry, friend" and looks sad, but doesn't seem to be able to connect the behavior he's done to the crying. It's sad to see.

It's also impossible to get him to stop since he doesn't seem to get why they're upset. HE doesn't care if HE gets shoved/hit/tackled/pinched/kicked/etc. so he doesn't understand why other kids cry when he hug/tackles them to the ground. He thinks it's play. He thinks it's play when they kick him. He thinks it's play when he tackles them. THEY don't think it's play when he tackles them, and they start crying. He just doesn't get it.

It's posing an issue at preschool. Sumo goes two mornings a week, 3 hours each day. He LOVES it. He loves to be around other kids. Unfortunately, his ... Sumoness ... means that he takes out a lot of smaller, weaker kids. He is, after all, significantly bigger than even the oldest kids in his class. His teacher and I are both struggling.

If I had a penny for every time I say, "Calm down/be gentle" on a given day ... I'd be a rich woman.

Time out just doesn't work. He IS sorry when he does it, but doesn't seem to understand why the kids cry so he generally gets right back out of time out and does it again. He's unable to connect HIS behavior to THEIR response, in other words. If it were malicious I think it would be one thing, but his behavior really isn't malicious. It's just ... excitement. And Sumoness.

Talking to him about it doesn't work, either. "Look, honey, he's sad because you tackled him. You have to be gentle with people." He doesn't seem to understand. He goes and says, "Sorry," tries to give them a kiss on their boo-boo, and then does it again.

The closest thing I've found is trying to run the energy out of him. But, of course, when you take him to the playground, there are other kids that he tries to hug/tackle, so this isn't a perfect method. His dad is the one who tries to run the energy out of him with horseplay, but alas, this pregnant mama can't do horseplay right now and I'm the one here with him all day.

There's no tackle football for 2 year olds.

I'm sure that eventually, he'll understand the concept. He's a bright kid, and very verbal. In the mean time, I try to protect myself from Sumo beatdown by curling into the fetal position and protecting my ... well ... fetus in my abdomen from the euphoria. I sincerely hope Version 2.0 is as tough as Version 1.0 ... I imagine he will be.

In the mean time, I'm grateful for the Sumoness of my kid. I'm so glad he doesn't whine and snivel when other kids hit/punch/kick/beat/throw him to the ground. I hate wimpy kids. I also hate the ones who say, "I don't want to play with him." Eff you, you 3 year old biotch! And the ones who whine, "He hit me." My kid had the verbal skills to say both of those things, but he doesn't. My kid will play with anybody ... whether they want him to or not. I'm grateful that he's not mean-spirited and that he loves everybody and will give anybody (big, small, black, white, or polka dot) a hug.

I'm An Idiot And Other News Flashes

Because I'm an idiot, we're going to Disney World in October. Yes, I'll be 32 weeks pregnant. Let that sink in for a minute. I'll be waddling around Disney World the size of Dumbo ... with swollen feet. I think some small children might think I'm a lost Disney character. You know, Tranny Head from the little-known Disney movie "There Are Fat Trannies Among Us?"

Anyway it was the only time we could take our 2-year old before we move overseas. It'll be our last trip as a 3-person family, and it'll be totally hawt.

This past weekend, we did a dry run at Busch Gardens. And I am happy to report that I made a certain Sumo-sized 2 year old's dream come true. He met Elmo.

See Sumo giving Elmo a hug.


We sprung for the Elmo photo, but I refused to pay for the Big Bird background picture.

See Sumo ride random boat thingie with his dad.


See Sumo eat ice cream. (As an aside - eating the ice cream in this manner was HIS idea, not mine.)

See Sumo swim at the water park.


See Sumo cheat at arcade games.
See Sumo play mini golf.
See Sumo cheat at mini golf.

See Sumo give up on mini golf and play with the elaborate pirate-themed set instead.

See an exhausted tranny head 26 weeks pregnant.
Yes, I'm already that huge. If I hear one more person say "Woah - and you've got a looong way to go" I swear I'll use a golf club on them. And not the blue plastic one, either.

Bigfoot is Real ... and He Lives in My House

The weather change has begun. It's been downright lovely here in Metropolis, and fall is in the air. Football season is starting. My 2 year old, Sumo, went to his preschool orientation yesterday. He's going to attend school 2 mornings a week.

All of this got me thinking. I need to do the fall toddler clothes shopping.

But this year, I've run into a snafu.

I cannot find shoes to fit my biiiiig 2 year old.

You see, my kid needs a 9. Maybe even a 9.5. Extra Extra wide.

Sounds simple, right? Wrong. Stride Rite doesn't sell shoes that long that are also that wide. Hell, even CROCS are too narrow for my kid's feet.

Up until now, he's worn See Kai Run shoes. I have loved them. Unfortunately, they only go up to a 9 and many of the styles are no longer wide enough for his feet. The bigger See Kai Run shoes are also narrower. I'm screwed.

What am I supposed to do? Let him wear sandals in the snow?

I have been to shoes.com, zappos.com, endless.com, and others. I cannot find a single pair. Surely I'm not the first person to have this problem? What do I do, find a cobbler? I need some elves up in here. The ones that sit in a tree with little mallets and manufacture little wooden Dutch shoes.

Amazingly, the kid's feet don't look that big. They are perfectly proportional to the rest of his body which is ... well ... also big. 37 inches and 39 lbs. to be exact. He can wear my husband's hat ... that's how big his head is. His hands look like a 5 year old's. Hell, HE sort of looks like a 5 year old.

I guess I should just grateful that Bigfoot here isn't hairy yet and doesn't leave his leg hairs all over the bathroom floor ....

Yes! We're Alive - and in a Fried Shrimp Coma

I know you've been on pins and needles wondering where the hell your trannyhead has been. (If you haven't been wondering, pretend like you have.)

The Sumo and I went on a 2 week vacation to my parents' house Down South. My husband didn't have any vacation time, so he didn't come along. It was just the two of us. Round-trip solo flights while 6 months preggo with a 2 year old, one of which was an hour late? I don't recommend to anybody. Anyhoo, I thought you might like visual aids to see we were up to.

We went to the beach ...

For those of you who are wondering. Yes, I really did grow up in paradise. The Garden of Eden with fried shrimp.
And landscapes that look like this ...

And occasionally, you get magnificent natural lighting. But your 2 year old cooperates by making this face:

We also goofed off with the garden hose ...


And goofed off in general ...


And did about a thousand other things I just don't have time to include right now. I'm sure you missed me ... but now we're baa-aaack!

Yes, You Heard Me Correctly.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I were unloading groceries from my bumper-sticker-laden car and a neighbor approached us. "So you went to [insert big-name, snooty-assed university here]?" he asked my husband. "You know your football team sucks, right?"

"Actually," my husband answered. "My wife went there. I went to [insert lesser-known school here."

"Oh," the guy looked shocked. "Well your football team still sucks." He looked at me sheepishly.

"Yeah, well. Maybe, but our basketball team doesn't." I answered.

He had nothing. He was still in shock.

********************

Fast forward to yesterday.

I had to have blood drawn at a military health facility. "So what does your husband do?" the phlebotomist asked.

"He's a JAG," I said.

"Uh-oh," he said. "A lawyer's wife! I'd better be careful."

"Actually," I said. "I'm also a lawyer."

His jaw almost hit the floor. He was stunned. "Really?!" he said.

I find this phenomenon interesting. I'm not sure what's so shocking about my background. Is it because I'm a chick? Is it because I have blonde hair and huge tatas? I'd guess it was just because I was pregnant, but it's happened before when I wasn't pregnant. I'd guess it was just because I'm a JAG wife, but it's happened when I wasn't a JAG wife.

I asked the phlebotomist, "Why do people always look shocked when I say that?"

He thought for a minute. "I don't know," he said. "You just don't see a lot of lawyers married to other lawyers?"

I know that's a load of crap. I know plenty of lawyers married to other lawyers.

It has to have something to do with my appearance. Or maybe my gender. Is it some sort of subtle sexism? You know, like that riddle about the kid who gets into the car accident with his father. The father is killed, but the kid is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How is this possible? Well, the answer, of course, is that the surgeon is his mother.

Whatever it is, I admit I take a certain pleasure in the shock and awe. I'm a nasty biotch like that.