Dear Tranny Head: Questions on Drag & Drinking

Welcome to Thursday, readers! It's time once again for "Dear Tranny Head," the column in which I offer YOU readers advice on questions that you submit. Let's get right to it.

We have a question from Poltzie, who shall be dubbed "Drag-Desiring Green Giant" who asks:

Dear Tranny Head:
1) Why didn't you dress Sumo up in drag this year? [referring to Halloween]
2) Are green beans truly the answer to all of life's problems, and if so, where can I buy them in bulk?

Dear Drag-Desiring Green Giant,

1. I didn't dress Sumo in drag because of a deep-rooted fear of having female children. You see, Green Giant, I hope to only have male children. I know there are plenty of people out there with daughters who will be all "girls are the best" and "girl power" and whatnot.

But.

The Vanillas had to raise ME. I remember how heinous I was. And the thought of having a repeat performance of that is something I don't even want to contemplate. Dressing Sumo in drag would be too close to the having a female child thing. I can't do it.

And no, I have no idea what is going to happen to me if my next child is a female child. I am pretty sure my tranny head will implode and some doorway to an alternate universe will open and the horrible freaky flying monkey things from the Wizard of Oz will come out.

Moving right along ...

2. Green beans are not only the answer to most of life's problems, they are also the cause of many of life's problems. As in - insufficient or half-assed green beans? Cause problems. I would like to suggest Costco. I believe they sell canned green beans by the crate.

If you have no Costco nearby, I would like to suggest planting a vegetable garden and learning how to do your own canning. Green beans are best when canned.

Hope this helps!

Love and Hawtness,

Tranny Head

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And now for our next question:

We have a question from Hyphenmama, who for the purposes of this post shall be called "Entirely Too Sober For This Job," and who asks:

Dear Tranny Head,
Is it a parenting no-no to drink heavily between noon and dinner time?

I'm asking for a *cough* friend of mine.

Sincerely,
Entirely Too Sober For This Job

Dear Sober,

It is NOT a parenting no-no to drink between noon and dinner time. Nor, for that matter, is it a parenting no-no to have a beer with your lunch. Or a mimosa with your breakfast.

Now I WOULD like to point out that I'd reserve the HEAVY drinking for times when either your kids are asleep or you have a spouse around. Chiefly because: 1) if you have to haul your kid to the ER when he hacks his arm off with a dull object, you'll need to drive and/or explain to the ambulance driver what you've been doing; and 2) if you're drinking, you might as well participate in some green beans.

I believe in drinking at any and all times. Cheers to you, chica. If you need an "ok" from somebody to partake in your pre-5:00 pm booze, I am happy to provide that approval.

Hope this helps!

Much Love and Hawtness,

Tranny Head

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Next week, we have Karen, who asks:

Dear Tranny Head, where do you come up with the names that you grace your questioners with? Good lands.

(Sorry, chica - I ran out of room this week in the column. Your question shall be answered next week.)

and from "Reheating the Green Beans," we have the following:

Dear Tranny: How can you get a hubby to become interested in green beans? And, making them more spicy for you as opposed to solely for him?

Stay tuned for more Q and A!

And don't forget to keep submitting questions. I'm running out, damnit. If you don't have a blog, just leave an Anonymous comment on this post with your question in it. Or if you prefer, email me at trannyhead (over at gmail). OR if you don't care if your anonymity is lost, that's aiight, too.

Keep the QUESTIONS COMING, BIOTCHES! I'm here to help!